‫- PREVIOUSLY ON AWKWARD:
‫- ON OUR RIGHT, ‫WE HAVE THE ENGLISH DEPARTMENT.
‫- DO YOU WANT TO ‫GET OUT OF HERE?
‫- WE'VE BEEN TEXTING ‫EACH OTHER EVERY DAY.
‫SHE'S REALLY COOL.
‫- IT'S JUST A LITTLE ‫CATFISHING.
‫IT'S TOTALLY NO BIG DEAL.
‫- I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, ‫BUT I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN
‫AVOIDING ME, ‫AND I'M JUST WONDERING WHY.
‫- I'M ADOPTED!
‫- IN THE THREE WEEKS SINCE ‫MY COLLEGE OVERNIGHT,
‫MY ONE-NIGHT STAND ‫HAD BLOSSOMED INTO
‫THREE WEEKENDS OF AWESOME.
‫LUKE WAS PERFECT.
‫HE WAS AN ADULT.
‫I LIKED THE PERSON I BECAME ‫WHEN WE WERE TOGETHER.
‫I WAS JENNA 2.0, A BETTER, ‫MORE EVOLVED VERSION
‫OF THE GIRL I'D BEEN...
‫[mooing cow ringtone]
‫ALMOST.
‫- HEY, A COUPLE OF MY FRIENDS ‫ARE PLANNING A ROAD TRIP
‫TO SEE ARCTIC MONKEYS ‫IN NOVEMBER.
‫YOU WANT IN?
‫[cow mooing]
‫RIGHT. ‫PARENTS.
‫I KEEP FORGETTING ‫YOU DON'T ACTUALLY GO HERE.
‫I'M GUESSING ARCTIC MONKEYS ‫ARE A NO GO.
‫- WHAT? WHY?
‫I LOVE THE ARCTIC MONKEYS.
‫- YOUR PARENTS WOULD SERIOUSLY ‫LET YOU DRIVE TO ARIZONA
‫WITH FOUR COLLEGE GUYS ‫IN A VAN?
‫- MY PARENTS ARE ‫SUPER LAID BACK.
‫THEY DON'T EVEN LIKE ME ‫TO CALL THEM MOM AND DAD.
‫THEY TREAT ME MORE LIKE ‫A BEST FRIEND THAN A CHILD.
‫- WELL, I'LL COUNT YOU IN.
‫[phone ringing]
‫HELLO.
‫WHO IS THIS?
‫OH. HI.
‫YEAH, SURE.
‫- JENNA, IT'S DAD.
‫- HEY, KEV.
‫HOW'D YOU GET LUKE'S NUMBER?
‫- I CALLED THE DORM ‫AND THREATENED TO HAVE HIM
‫ARRESTED FOR KIDNAPPING ‫IF THEY DIDN'T HAND IT OVER.
‫- WHAT? ‫ARE YOU INSANE?
‫- NO, I'M A PARENT, ‫AND YOU'RE A CHILD,
‫ONE WHO IS 45 MINUTES ‫PAST HER CURFEW.
‫GET HOME NOW.
‫OH, AND JENNA, ONE MORE THING: ‫PLAN ON A LONG NIGHT.
‫YOUR ROOM'S A REAL PIGSTY.
‫[typing]
‫boom!
‫[cheering]
‫- DATING A COLLEGE GUY ‫MADE IT HARDER
‫TO GET INTO HIGH SCHOOL STUFF,
‫SOME OF WHICH I HATED ‫IN THE FIRST PLACE,
‫LIKE BEING CHEER BITCH, ‫BUT SADLY,
‫WHILE MY HEART ‫WAS IN COLLEGE,
‫MY HEAD WAS STUCK ‫IN HIGH SCHOOL,
‫AND MY FACE WAS ‫TARGET PRACTICE.
‫[cheering]
‫- COME ON, MATTY!
‫NO GUTS, NO GLORY, SON!
‫LET'S GO!
‫- DUDE, THE MARYLAND SCOUT'S ‫WATCHING YOU LIKE A HAWK.
‫THAT LAST GOAL WAS INSANE, MAN.
‫- NO PRESSURE, NO DIAMONDS. ‫- OKAY!
‫- OUR SON SET THE RECORD ‫FOR MOST SHOTS ON GOAL
‫HIS SOPHOMORE YEAR.
‫- YEP, YOU TOLD ME THAT.
‫WE'VE ONLY GOT FIVE ‫SPOTS ON OUR FALL ROSTER,
‫BUT HE'S DEFINITELY ‫A STRONG CANDIDATE.
‫- ALL RIGHT, ‫HE'S A MCKIBBEN!
‫- SO ARE THEY BACK ‫TOGETHER OR WHAT?
‫- NO, THEY HATE EACH OTHER, ‫BUT THEY HAVE TO PUT ON
‫A UNITED FRONT BECAUSE ‫THEY'RE MCKIBBENS.
‫- ALL RIGHT, MATTY!
‫MAKE US PROUD!
‫[whistle blows]
‫[cheering]
‫- COME ON, MATTY!
‫COME ON!
‫GO, GO, GO!
‫- AW!
‫- DAMN IT!
‫- GO, GO, GO!
‫GET IN THERE ‫AND DO YOUR JOB!
‫THE MR. P.H.H.S. PAGEANT ‫IS IN FIVE DAYS,
‫AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T ‫PRINTED THE PROGRAM,
‫FINALIZED THE SETS, ‫OR TALKED LIGHTING
‫WITH THEO AND COLE.
‫I NEED RAGE MANAGEMENT TO COPE ‫WITH YOUR STAGE MANAGEMENT.
‫- T, IT'S A FAKE MALE ‫BEAUTY PAGEANT, NOT BROADWAY.
‫RELAX. ‫I'M ON IT.
‫- THE ONLY THING ‫YOU'RE ON IS CLOUD 69.
‫NEED I REMIND YOU ‫THAT THIS IS A MAJOR APPLICATION
‫AUGMENTATION FOR YOU?
‫[bell rings]
‫- WHAT WAS THAT? ‫- WHAT WAS WHAT?
‫I SHOULD GO CHANGE.
‫YOU KNOW HOW SWEATS ‫MAKE ME SWEAT.
‫- YOU SAID YOU WERE DONE ‫CATFISHING.
‫- I AM!
‫ALMOST.
‫IT'S JUST...
‫JAKE BOOTY-TEXTED ME.
‫TAMARA-ME, NOT AUTUMN-ME.
‫WELL, TECHNICALLY, ‫HE BOOTY-TEXTED BOTH OF US,
‫BUT THE POINT IS, ‫JAKARA IS BACK ON TRACK
‫TO BEING THE P.H.H.S.P.C. AGAIN.
‫THE P.H.H.S. POWER COUPLE.
‫- PAUSE. ‫REWIND.
‫ARE YOU SAYING YOU WANT TO ‫GET BACK TOGETHER WITH JAKE?
‫- NO!
‫YES? ‫MAYBE.
‫- SO DITCH THE ONLINE PERSONA ‫AND TELL HIM THE TRUTH.
‫- I WILL.
‫AS SOON AS AUTUMN CONVINCES ‫JAKE THAT TAMARA HAS HIS HEART
‫THIS CATFISH IS FRIED.
‫- THAT WAS A TOUGH GAME.
‫- I CAN'T BELIEVE THE SCOUT ‫BAILED BEFORE HALFTIME, MAN.
‫WHAT ARE YOU SO HAPPY ABOUT?
‫- AUTUMN.
‫THINGS ARE GETTING INTENSE. ‫I'M REALLY INTO HER.
‫- YOU'VE NEVER EVEN MET HER!
‫SHE'S PROBABLY A 45-YEAR-OLD ‫SEX OFFENDER NAMED RALPH.
‫- NO WAY. ‫YOU CAN'T FAKE THAT BODY.
‫IF SHE WANTS YOU TO WIRE MONEY ‫TO HER NIGERIAN UNCLE, BAIL.
‫- MOMMY, DID YOU SEE ‫MY BASKET CATCH?
‫- HUMILITY, LISSA.
‫OH, LOOK AT THE TIME!
‫TYLER AND I HAVE A MILLION ‫THINGS TO DO:
‫BIBLE STUDY,
‫SHOPPING FOR MR. P.H.H.S. ‫CLOTHES--
‫SO SADIE CAN TAKE YOU HOME, ‫RIGHT?
‫- I DON'T HAVE A CAR, ‫AND MY GUARDIAN IS A SKANKAHOLIC
‫WITH A PRESCRIPTION ‫PILL PROBLEM.
‫- OKAY, GREAT. ‫THANKS, HON.
‫- BYE, SIS. ‫THANKS FOR THE CHEER.
‫- BYE, BABIES.
‫- GET OVER IT, LISSA.
‫THE BASKET CATCH ‫WASN'T THAT GOOD.
‫- IT'S NOT THAT.
‫EVER SINCE WE ADOPTED TYLER, ‫HE'S ALL MY MOM CARES ABOUT.
‫NOW EVERYTHING'S ALL ABOUT ‫MR. P.H.H.S.
‫JUST BECAUSE TYLER'S IN IT.
‫MAYBE I SHOULD COMPETE ‫SO SHE REMEMBERS I'M ALIVE.
‫- ARE YOU TOO BUSY ‫WITH CHEER CAPTAIN
‫TO STUDY YOUR S.A.T. WORDS, ‫LISSA?
‫"MISTER" MEANS PEOPLE ‫WITH PENISES.
‫- BUT I'M THE ONE ‫WITH PAGEANT EXPERIENCE.
‫[gasps] ‫I COULD COACH TYLER!
‫- MR. P.H.H.S. ISN'T ‫A REAL BEAUTY PAGEANT.
‫IT'S A POPULARITY CONTEST.
‫BRIAN WOODS WON LAST YEAR ‫FOR SHOTGUNNING A SODA.
‫I COULD TAKE ANY LOSER ‫IN THIS SCHOOL,
‫AND BEAT YOU AND MUFASA.
‫- I TOLD YOU, WE CALL HIM TYLER, ‫AND YOU COULD NOT!
‫WINNING ANY PAGEANT TAKES ‫WAY MORE THAN POPULARITY.
‫- WANT TO BET?
‫LOSER GIVES UP 40 BUCKS, ‫PLUS THEIR HONOR,
‫DIGNITY, AND SELF-ESTEEM.
‫GO AHEAD.
‫PICK ANY GUY.
‫- HIM!
‫- OH! ‫- GO AHEAD.
‫- AFTER YOU.
‫UH, HAVE YOU PICKED A TALENT ‫FOR MR. P.H.H.S. YET?
‫- WELL, ‫WE KNOW IT'S NOT SOCCER.
‫- YEAH, YOUR PARENTS SEEMED ‫PRETTY INTENSE.
‫- YEAH, ‫THAT'S ONE WORD FOR IT.
‫SO I HEAR YOU'RE INTO ‫OLDER GUYS NOW.
‫- WHAT? ‫NO!
‫- IT'S COOL, ‫IF YOU'RE HAPPY.
‫WE'RE GONNA BE ‫IN COLLEGE SOON.
‫YOU MIGHT AS WELL ‫GET A JUMP ON IT.
‫[beeping]
‫[line ringing]
‫- HEY.
‫WHY IS CAMPUS SO FAR?
‫I'M HAVING SEVERE ‫SEPARATION ANXIETY.
‫- ME, TOO, AND I'M LIVING ‫OFF FIVE-DOLLAR FOOT-LONGS.
‫IT SAVES ME A TON OF CASH,
‫WHICH IS GOING RIGHT INTO ‫THE GAS FUND,
‫SO I CAN ‫COME SEE YOU.
‫SPEAKING OF WHICH, SATURDAY ‫IS GOING TO BE AWESOME.
‫SNUGGLE DOWN WITH SOME COCOA ‫AND WATCH EVIL DEAD.
‫- I CAN'T.
‫I'M STUCK IN P.V. THIS WEEKEND,
‫STAGE MANAGING A PLAY.
‫- WELL, I'LL COME DOWN, ‫SEE YOU IN ACTION.
‫- THUS FAR, ALL OF THE ACTION ‫BETWEEN US
‫HAD TAKEN PLACE IN THE PRIVACY ‫OF LUKE'S DORM ROOM.
‫OUR RELATIONSHIP EXISTED ‫IN TOTALLY SEPARATE WORLDS,
‫AND I LIKED IT THAT WAY.
‫- IT'S JUST SOME STUPID ‫HIGH SCHOOL THING.
‫SO NOT WORTH THE DRIVE.
‫- WELL, THEN I GUESS ‫WE'LL HAVE TO COME UP WITH WAYS
‫TO MAKE THE DISTANCE ‫LESS PAINFUL.
‫- SWEETIE?
‫- WOW!
‫I HAD NO IDEA IT TOOK ‫12 YEARS TO PAINT
‫THE MONA LISA'S SMILE.
‫NEAT!
‫- IS THAT LUKE? ‫HI, LUKE!
‫- BYE! ‫HE HAS TO STUDY.
‫- WE WOULD LOVE ‫TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
‫ARE YOU COMING TO ‫JENNA'S PAGEANT?
‫- MOM! ‫- PAGEANT?
‫- MR. P.H.H.S.
‫IT'S THIS GOOFY LITTLE PAGEANT ‫FOR THE SENIOR BOYS.
‫JENNA'S DAD WAS MR. P.H.H.S.
‫- AH, I SEE.
‫- IT'S LAME. ‫- I'D LOVE TO COME.
‫- GREAT!
‫COME BY, AND WE'LL ‫ALL GO TOGETHER.
‫- NO, NO, NO, ‫YOU DON'T HAVE TO.
‫IT'S--REALLY-- ‫- SOUNDS AWESOME.
‫- YAY!
‫WE'LL SEE YOU ON ‫SATURDAY, LUKE.
‫- MY RELATIONSHIP WITH LUKE ‫MAY HAVE EXISTED
‫IN A SEPARATE WORLD, ‫BUT APPARENTLY
‫THE PLANETS ‫WERE ABOUT TO COLLIDE.
‫- SAN DIEGO IS SO FAR AWAY ‫FROM AUSTRALIA.
‫I GET SO LONELY.
‫- AW...
‫WELL, SAN DIEGO IS CLOSE ‫TO PALOS VERDES.
‫SO CLOSE IT'S--CLOSE.
‫YOU KNOW,
‫I FEEL LIKE I CAN TELL YOU ‫ANYTHING, AUTUMN.
‫- OH, ME, TOO.
‫OY, THAT'S MY OLDIES ‫CALLING FROM THE OUTBACK.
‫BYE, SCHMOOPS!
‫- BYE, BOOPS.
‫[bell rings] ‫- O.M.G.
‫JAKE JUST INVITED AUTUMN ‫TO WATCH HIM IN MR. P.H.H.S.
‫- GREAT.
‫WHEN AUTUMN DOESN'T SHOW UP,
‫JAKE CAN FINALLY MOVE ON,
‫AND YOU CAN GO BACK TO ‫ACTING LIKE A SANE PERSON.
‫WELL, SANE FOR YOU.
‫- AUTUMN WOULD NEVER ‫FLAKE ON JAKE.
‫SHE'LL SHOW, BUT HAVE AN ‫UNFORTCH DITCH-SITCH
‫DUE TO A BAD SHRIMP TACO,
‫AND INSTEAD OF BEING ALL ‫"HEY, HUNK-SHOW,"
‫SHE'LL BE ALL, ‫"HEY, CHUNK-SHOW,"
‫AND SHE'LL MISS ‫THE WHOLE ENCHILADA.
‫- IT'S LUMPY, HAIRY, ‫MISSHAPEN.
‫I JUST WANT TO BIOPSY ‫THE ENTIRE THING
‫AND THROW IT IN A BIOHAZARD BIN.
‫- NO.
‫I CAN WORK WITH THIS.
‫DROP TROU.
‫- SAVE ME.
‫- OH, I WON'T EVER ‫GET IN THE WAY OF MY WOMAN
‫WHEN SHE'S TRYING TO WIN A BET.
‫- YOU'RE A SMART MAN, ‫AUSTIN.
‫- [screams]
‫- YOUR POSTURE'S OKAY, ‫BUT YOU NEED MORE GLIDE,
‫AND YOU STILL NEED A TALENT.
‫WHAT CAN YOU DO BESIDES ‫LIVE ON A DOLLAR A DAY?
‫- I WAS THE CHANCELLOR ‫OF THE DEBATE TEAM
‫AT MY BOARDING SCHOOL.
‫- HAVE YOU EVER ‫SEEN DIRTY DANCING?
‫- PAGEANT PREP ‫WAS IN HIGH GEAR,
‫AND ALL I COULD THINK ABOUT ‫WAS HOW THIS WOULD LOOK TO LUKE,
‫LIKE A HIGH SCHOOL ‫FREAK SHOW.
‫WOULD HE EVER BE ABLE ‫TO SEE ME AS A SOPHISTICATED,
‫SEXY GIRL AGAIN?
‫- HANG TIGHT, GENTS.
‫L-DOG, A-TRAIN,
‫THANK YOU FOR VOLUNTEERING ‫TO DECORATE.
‫THOSE UPTIGHT P.T.A. MOMS ‫BAILED WHEN I REFUSED
‫TO BAN THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION.
‫ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GO GET ‫THIS SOUL TRAIN BACK ON TRACK.
‫RETURN TO FORMATION, BOYS!
‫- YOU WERE MR. P.H.H.S.
‫GO HELP.
‫- WHAT?
‫THAT WAS 17 YEARS AGO.
‫HOW COULD I POSSIBLY REMEMBER ‫A SILLY DANCE ROUTINE?
‫RIGHT.
‫- HOT COALS, HOT COALS--
‫- MIND IF I GIVE IT A SHOT?
‫- FINE, BE MY GUEST.
‫THESE BOYS HAVE NO BUMP ‫IN THEIR GRINDS.
‫- ALL RIGHT. ‫LET'S DO THIS.
‫MUSIC!
‫[hip hop music playing]
‫*
‫- [cheers]
‫- ALL RIGHT, ‫NOW LET'S TURN UP THE HEAT
‫AND SHOW THEM SOME ‫SIZZLING STEAK!
‫- [cheers] ‫NOT BAD.
‫- HEY.
‫SORRY TO BUG, ‫BUT HAVE YOU PICKED A TALENT?
‫- YEAH, I WAS THINKING ‫MAYBE STAND-UP.
‫IF IT TANKS, I CAN ALWAYS FALL ‫BACK ON MY MAGIC MIKE STUFF.
‫- STAND-UP?
‫THAT'S MORE DARING ‫THAN STRIPPING.
‫CAN'T WAIT.
‫- WHY ARE YOU DOING ‫STAND-UP?
‫YOU'RE AN ATHLETE, ‫NOT A PERFORMER.
‫YOU'RE GOING TO ‫EMBARRASS YOURSELF.
‫- MOM, THIS WHOLE ‫MR. P.H.H.S. THING IS A JOKE,
‫I'M NOT TRYING TO WIN.
‫- THEN WHY ARE YOU DOING IT?
‫- WHY ARE YOU SO WORRIED ‫ABOUT WHAT I'M DOING?
‫- BECAUSE I'M YOUR MOTHER.
‫- YEAH.
‫- LUKE WAS DUE TO ARRIVE ‫ANY MINUTE,
‫BUT I HAD A FOOLPROOF PLAN:
‫HUSTLE MY PARENTS OUT THE DOOR
‫AND INSIST ON TAKING ‫SEPARATE CARS.
‫WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
‫- DAMN, LIL' BITCH.
‫YOU LOOK LIKE A SISTER WIFE.
‫[chuckles]
‫- MOM, ‫WHAT IS SHE DOING HERE?
‫- CARPOOLING WITH US.
‫YOU KNOW SHE CAN'T DRIVE ‫AFTER 4:00 P.M.
‫- HEY.
‫- OH!
‫- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING, DAD? ‫- WHAT?
‫- HONEY, TAKE IT OFF.
‫YOU'RE GONNA ‫EMBARRASS JENNA.
‫- IT'S TOO LATE.
‫- I'M NOT TAKING THIS OFF.
‫- I THINK YOU'RE GONNA ‫TAKE IT OFF.
‫- NO, I'M NOT. ‫- HUH?
‫- [laughter]
‫- OH!
‫HEY, LUKE. ‫WELCOME.
‫- HELLO, SIR.
‫- LUKE HAD COME TO MEET ‫THE ADULTS IN MY LIFE.
‫UNFORTUNATELY, ‫I WAS SURROUNDED BY CHILDREN.
‫- WELCOME TO THE 28TH ANNUAL ‫MR. P.H.H.S. PAGEANT!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- I'M YOUR M.C., ‫TAMARA KAPLAN.
‫I HOPE THERE'S A DENTIST ‫IN THE HOUSE,
‫BECAUSE YOU'RE ABOUT TO MEET ‫SOME MAJOR MAN CANDY!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫[hip hop music]
‫*
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- KYLE, MESS THIS UP ‫AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT
‫YOU NEVER POP THAT ‫PATHETIC MAN-CHERRY,
‫EVEN WHEN YOU'RE 45 ‫AND SOME CRAZY CAT LADY
‫IS FEELING HORNY, SAD, ‫AND DESPERATE.
‫- DID SOMEONE CALL ME?
‫- OUR FIRST CONTESTANT ‫IN FORMAL WEAR IS KYLE COHEN.
‫KYLE HAS A PASSION ‫FOR STAYING INDOORS,
‫TWEEZERS, ‫AND SMELLING DEAD THINGS.
‫[cheers and applause]
‫[hip hop music]
‫*
‫- WOO-HOO! ‫HOTTIE!
‫- SHOW US SOME SKIN!
‫[laughing]
‫[applause]
‫- TAME DOWN YOUR SIMON COWLICKS ‫BECAUSE WE'VE GOT
‫YOUR P.H.H.S. IDOLS.
‫NEXT UP IS OUR ‫TALENT COMPETITION.
‫[applause]
‫[pop music playing]
‫*
‫[upbeat pop music]
‫- * YOU'RE SO CUTE ‫I WANT TO WEAR YOU LIKE A SUIT *
‫* I THINK YOU'D LOOK ‫PRETTY GOOD ON ME *
‫* YOU DON'T CARE, I DON'T CARE, ‫RIGHT *
‫* I WANT TO DRAPE YOU ‫ACROSS MY SHOULDERS *
‫* WANT YOU CLOSE TO THE BONE
‫[cheers and applause]
‫[pop music]
‫- * LISTEN FOR ME
‫* I'M FALLING FOR AUTUMN *
‫* AND I CANNOT MISS ‫A SINGLE DAY *
‫* OF AUTUMN
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
‫NEXT UP, ‫CHARLES TUCKER JUGGLES.
‫[applause]
‫- HELLO?
‫- HEY, AUTUMN, ‫DID YOU HEAR MY SONG?
‫- I LOVED IT.
‫I'D COME CONGRATULATE YOU, ‫BUT I'M NOT FEELING VERY WELL.
‫JAKE, COULD YOU ‫HOLD ON A SEC?
‫WHAT?
‫- I HAVE TO GO DEAL WITH ‫A SELF-TANNER ACCIDENT
‫IN THE DRESSING ROOM.
‫PLEASE TELL THEO ‫NO MORE STROBE!
‫[electronic dance music]
‫*
‫- GOT IT. ‫NO MORE STROBE.
‫- AUTUMN?
‫- JAKE, COULD YOU ‫HOLD ON JUST A TIC?
‫THEO, KILL THE STROBE!
‫THE WHOLE CROWD'S ‫GONNA HAVE A SEIZURE.
‫- REALLY? ‫PROMISE?
‫- TAMARA?
‫- SORRY, THERE'S A LOUD GINGER ‫AT THE SINK NEXT TO ME.
‫- IT'S YOU.
‫- JAKE, NO!
‫[applause]
‫- HELLO, EVERYONE.
‫I AM YOUR M.C., ‫GLAMOUR.
‫ALL RIGHT, ‫MOVING RIGHT ALONG,
‫DOING SOME RAUCOUS STAND-UP,
‫MATTY MCK-K-KIBBEN!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- HEY, FOLKS!
‫I AM MATTY MCKIBBEN.
‫THANK YOU.
‫AS A SENIOR, I'M APPROACHING ‫MY COLLEGE APPS
‫THE SAME WAY I APPROACH ‫A FIRST DATE:
‫I PUT ON A NICE SHIRT,
‫I TALK ABOUT HOW AWESOME ‫I AM,
‫AND I DROP 80 BUCKS ‫JUST TO GET BRUTALLY REJECTED.
‫[laughter]
‫- JAKE, WAIT!
‫- MOVE.
‫- JAKE, JUST LET ME EXPLAIN.
‫- WHAT COULD YOU ‫POSSIBLY SAY,
‫OTHER THAN YOU'RE ‫TOTALLY INSANE?
‫- YOU SAID YOU COULD SAY ‫ANYTHING TO ME.
‫YOU SAID YOU'VE NEVER FELT ‫SO CLOSE TO ANYONE.
‫- I SAID THAT STUFF ‫TO AUTUMN!
‫- AND I'M AUTUMN!
‫- DID YOU NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT ‫IT MEANT WHEN I DUMPED YOU?
‫IT'S OVER, TAMARA.
‫- YEAH, TURNING 18,
‫IT COMES WITH A LOT OF ‫RESPONSIBILITY, IT DOES.
‫IT IS NOW OUR CIVIC DUTY ‫TO VOTE,
‫FIGHT FOR OUR COUNTRY,
‫DOWNLOAD PORN WITHOUT ‫FAKING OUR DATE OF BIRTH.
‫[laughter]
‫- OH, HEY, MOM?
‫WHAT?
‫YOU DIDN'T THINK ‫THAT WAS FUNNY?
‫WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT IS FUNNY?
‫HUH?
‫BEING TOLD YOUR WHOLE LIFE ‫TO ACT LIKE A MCKIBBEN,
‫AND THEN FINDING OUT ‫YOU'RE NOT ONE!
‫WHOO!
‫MY PARENTS MADE ME WONDER ‫FOR 18 YEARS
‫IF I WOULD EVER MEASURE UP ‫TO MY GENE POOL,
‫BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
‫IT TURNS OUT I DON'T HAVE ‫A CLUE WHOSE GENES I'VE GOT.
‫THAT IS [bleep] HILARIOUS!
‫- MATTY, STOP.
‫- HI, JENNA.
‫- STOP. ‫- JENNA HAMILTON.
‫HEY THERE, JENNA.
‫COME HERE.
‫JENNA HAMILTON. ‫AIN'T SHE PRETTY?
‫THANK YOU. HEY.
‫OH, YEAH, DO YOU REMEMBER ‫WHEN YOU WENT ON BIRTH CONTROL
‫AND MY PARENTS ‫CALLED YOU A SLUT?
‫- OH!
‫- THAT WAS GOOD TIMES, YEAH,
‫OR HOW ABOUT THE TIME ‫WHEN THEY KICKED ME OUT,
‫AND YOU COULDN'T TAKE A DUMP ‫FOR A WEEK
‫BECAUSE I WAS SHARING ‫YOUR BATHROOM?
‫THAT WAS A-- [fart noise]
‫A GAS! ‫[audience groans]
‫HOW AM I DOING, MOM?
‫- SHOW US YOUR BALLS!
‫[laughs]
‫- MATTY--
‫- JENNA, I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
‫- IT'S OKAY, MATTY. ‫IT'S OKAY.
‫- I'M SORRY.
‫I AM SO--I'M SO SORRY.
‫- WITH MATTY'S DIRTY SECRET ‫FINALLY OUT IN THE OPEN,
‫MY HIGH SCHOOL DRAMA ‫HAD TAKEN CENTER STAGE...
‫AND IT TURNS OUT THAT LUKE ‫COULDN'T HANDLE THE SHOW.
‫- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
‫WE ARE DOWN TO JUST ‫THREE FINALISTS,
‫ONE OF WHOM WILL CLAIM ‫THE COVETED MR. P.H.H.S. CROWN:
‫KYLE COHEN, TYLER MILLER,
‫AND JAKE ROSATI!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- JAKE ROSATI?
‫LAST CALL FOR JAKE--
‫OKAY, IN THE MEANTIME, ‫ONE FINAL QUESTION:
‫TYLER, WHAT IS YOUR MOST ‫CHERISHED DREAM?
‫- MY DREAM IS TO BE ABLE TO USE ‫MY RECENT BLESSINGS
‫TO GET AN EDUCATION ‫TO ENABLE ME
‫TO DEVOTE MY LIFE TO ENDING ‫MISERY AND SUFFERING EVERYWHERE.
‫- UGH!
‫COULD HE BE ANY MORE CLICHE?
‫- WELL, ‫I BELIEVE HE'S SINCERE.
‫- WHATEVER. ‫GET OVER IT!
‫- KYLE, FOR THE CROWN.
‫- LAST NIGHT I HAD A DREAM ‫I WAS EATING SUSHI,
‫AND WHEN I ASKED WHAT ‫KIND OF FISH WAS IN IT,
‫THE WAITER SAID IT WAS ‫HUMAN FLESH,
‫AND I LIKED IT.
‫IT TASTED LIKE FICKEN, ‫YOU KNOW, LIKE CHICKEN-FISH,
‫AND WHEN I WOKE UP, ‫THE BED WAS WET.
‫- THE WINNER IS...
‫TYLER MILLER!
‫[cheers and applause]
‫- AS MUCH AS I'D WANTED ‫TO CONVINCE MYSELF
‫THAT I WAS JENNA 2.0,
‫THE TRUTH WAS ‫I WAS STILL JUST JENNA.
‫- HI.
‫- LISTEN, I'M SORRY I DIDN'T ‫TELL YOU ABOUT THE PAGEANT,
‫BUT THIS IS WHY ‫I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO COME,
‫BECAUSE I'M STILL ‫IN HIGH SCHOOL,
‫AND I HAVE ‫EMBARRASSING PARENTS,
‫AND A RIDICULOUS AMOUNT ‫OF EX-BOYFRIEND DRAMA,
‫AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE ‫THAT, THAT'S FINE--
‫- JENNA,
‫I DIDN'T LEAVE THE PAGEANT ‫BECAUSE I COULDN'T DEAL.
‫- YEAH, RIGHT.
‫- I LEFT BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENED ‫TO YOU UP THERE
‫WAS KIND OF ROUGH,
‫AND I THOUGHT MAYBE ‫YOU COULD USE SOME CHEERING UP.
‫PUMPKIN SPICE, ‫YOUR FAVORITE.
‫WAIT.
‫- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
‫- I HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF ‫HIGH SCHOOL THAT LONG.
‫I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ‫THE DRAMA,
‫AND I WASN'T NEARLY COOL ENOUGH ‫TO STAGE MANAGE
‫A MALE BEAUTY PAGEANT.
‫- SO YOU'RE NOT SCARED OFF?
‫- YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO ‫TRY A LOT HARDER THAN THAT.
‫I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE.
‫I LIKE YOU, ‫JENNA HAMILTON.
‫A LOT.
‫[pop music]
‫*
‫- NEXT ON AWKWARD--
‫- NO ONE WANTS TO SEE THEIR EX ‫DATE OTHER PEOPLE.
‫- SEEING MATTY MOVE ON LIKE ‫I HAVE WOULD MAKE ME HAPPY.
‫- WHAT DO YOU WANT?
‫- I HAVE THIS ‫GREAT PHOTO OF YOU.
‫- NICE TRY.
‫NOTHING HAPPENED THAT NIGHT, ‫AND YOU KNOW IT.
‫- MY PLAN TO MAKE MATTY ‫HAPPY WAS WORKING,
‫SO WHY WAS I SUDDENLY ‫FEELING SO UNHAPPY?
‫IT'S NOT LIKE I STILL HAD ‫FEELINGS FOR HIM.
‫HOLY [bleep]! ‫I STILL HAD FEELINGS FOR HIM.